Friday, March 4, 2016

Will my heart ever be whole again?

I have been crying now for nearly twelve hours.  I stop briefly and then it just starts up all over again.  I cannot seem to stem the rushing tide of tears that just keep flowing from my swollen eyes.  It hurts to talk.  It hurts to breathe.

I lost my Madden girl last night.  And with her I lost a piece of my heart.

I want to rewind and go back and have it all just be a bad dream.  But I can't.  And it's not.  And it hurts. So. Very. Bad.


Already I find myself missing so many things about her.  Her bark.  Her wiggly body greeting me at the door.  Getting her to do tricks.  Oh and she could do lots!  So smart and so sweet my baby girl was.
Her she is dancing.  She could twirl and dance so beautifully.

I did not sleep much last night because I kept thinking I heard her.  Crazy, I know.  And by now, if you are not a dog person you probably think I am making way too much of this loss.  She was just a dog, right?

WRONG!  For me she was family.  She was my baby.  I have never been able to have kids and my four furry poodles were and are my furbabies.  My children.  My heart.


Here she is with her daughter Keyna...neither are fond of bows as you can see.

I know my heart will heal.  I know one day thoughts of her won't bring torrents of tears.  However, today is not that day.  Today, I am torn apart.  I am weary and worn.  Today I want to know why doctors couldn't have found her heart defect sooner.  And I want to know why they couldn't fix it.  

Today I want to hold her again just one more time.  I want to feel her soft fur under my hand.  I want to see her look at me and put her little paws on my chest.

Today, I treasure all the wonderful memories I have...and I hold my other babies closer.  I know God, who binds the brokenhearted and heals all wounds will heal this in me too.  Psalm 35:14 sums up how I feel today.  Yet, I also know that as Lamentations 3:33 reminds us, God does not purposely bring us grief or suffering.  And I also know as Psalm 30:5 reminds us, that joy will return to me.

So today, I will cry.  I will weep and be sad.  And there will be days ahead with more weeping and tears to be sure.  However, they will not last forever.  But she will last forever in my heart.  I love you sweet Madden girl.  Mommy will always love you!


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